The Clans' Therapist
by KleverKat
Summary: Read about the Lake's Therapist and her freak clients. Prepare to laugh your freak on!
1. Ashfur & Hollyleaf

Hello, cats, My name is KleverKat, and I am the clans' best cat therapist! First off, we have Ashfur . Welcome Ashfur!!!!!

Ashfur: *twitches* Hi…..

KleverKat: So Ashfur, what the heck is your problem?

Ashfur: Well, First off, I hardly knew my father, and my mother was killed when I was hardly an apprentice. *twitches uncontrollably* Also, I was in the battle with Bloodclan, so I saw my father die!!!!! Also, my mentor only paid attention to my sister! Now they have 7 kits together and I can hardly remember their names!!! Also Dustpelt never taught me anything, so I'm dumb and that's why Firestar never lets me go on a patrol!!!!! *twitches and cries*

KleverKat: Oh, I'm sorry what did you say? I wasn't listening.

Ashfur: *gives himself the death blow*

KleverKat: Oh okay, Jim, will you clean that up? Yes, I don't care if you have to take orders from a cat! DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! * has a bloodthirsty look on her face and unsheathes her claws*

A scared Jim: OK FINE JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!!!

KleverKat: *Softens up* Ok then, lets get on to the next freak.

KleverKat: Ok, Today we have……… HOLLYLEAF!!!!! *Claps*

Hollyleaf: Ignores her and keeps on muttering "Warrior Code, Warrior Code"

KleverKat: Ok, weird!!!

Hollyleaf: Gets down on her knees "ALL HAIL THE WARRIOR CODE ALL HAIL THE WARRIOR CODE!!!!"

KleverKat: *tasers her* GET UP YOU FILTHY CAT OR I WILL DESTROY THE WARRIOR CODE!

Hollyleaf: NO, NO ANYTHING BUT THE CODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Gets up*

Well, first off, my brother was born blind, and my mother went to warriors duty days after we were born, and--

KleverKat: Oh, Hollyleaf, I hate to break it too ya, but Leafpool is your mother, not Squirrelflight.

Leaf pool & Squirrel flight : AAAAH NO THE SECRET IS OUT!!!!!!! WE MUST GO TO THE TRIBE TO LIVE LAZILY AND JUST WASTE THEIR PREY JUST LIKE DAISY!!!!

Daisy: *eating a mouse that took so much hard work* Hey! Oh , wait, that's true, never mind!

Leafpool & Squirrelflight: *run to the tribe*

KleverKat: Well, that's all the time we have and--

Hollyleaf: *wailing* but I never got to finish!

KleverKat: IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT NOW STOP WAILING YOU FILTHY CAT OR I WILL TASER YOU AGAIN AND DESTROY THE CODE!

Hollyleaf: OK, Ok, please just don't kill me!

KleverKat: Softens up. Well okay. Check out the poll on my profile on who should be the freak next, bye!

KleverKat: Also, If you do not R,R&V, I will find you….. *twitches and points taser to the computer screen* HA, HA HA HA HA. Bye!!!!

KleverKat's Father: whispers, I'm sorry if KleverKat yells at you , because she really has a temper problem, so please don't get her mad! I got her mad, and that's how I got this part of my face ripped off! Please, she's really crazy!

KleverKat: WHAT DID YOU SAY, DADDY?

KleverKat's Father: Oh great Starclan!!!!!!!

No one knows what happened next, but they did see flying tufts of fur and a tail………


	2. Kits!

KleverKat: Hey guys, just a little reminder to vote on my poll and-

Leafpool: KleverKat!!!! DIDN'T I TELL YOU YOU CANT GET UP, FOR STARCLAN'S SAKE YOU ARE EXPECTING KITS AND THEY ARE DUE TODAY!!!!!

KleverKat: But leafpool I have to be a therapist now!!!!!!!

Leafpool: No, Now let me feel your belly, OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KleverKat: WHAT WHAT WHAT IS IT ARE THEY COMING ???????????/

Leafpool: NO ITS JUST THAT, YOU ARE REALLY FAT!!!!!

KleverKat: LEAFPOOL, I AM SOO MAD I COULD JUST *&^-

Leafpool: THE KITS ARE COMING THE KITS ARE COMING *pushes KleverKat down*

KleverKat: AAAAAAAH HELP AAAAAH HAHDFJHDFADFOGOUG HEAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAH AAAAAH

Leafpool: Starclan, you can scream!

After a while, 9 little kits pop out.

KleverKat: AWWWWWW THEY ARE SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!

Leafpool: What are you going to name them?

KleverKat: Um, well, the silver she-cat with blue eyes will be ………………………………..............................OMG WHAT WILL HER NAME BE?????

AND WHAT WILL BE THE TORTOISESHELL-PINK SHE-CAT'S NAME AND THE PURE BLACK TOM? AND THE FLUFFY PINKISH GRAY SHE-CAT? AND THE BROWN TABBY tom WITH AMBER EYES? AND THE CREAM COLORED TOM WITH blue EYES? AND THE REDDISH-BROWN TABBY TOM? AND THE PURE WHITE SHE-CAT AND PURE CRIMSON TOM'S NAMES BE?????

Hmm, you can help by reviewing this story/chapter and submitting the names of all these little kits!

Remember to read and review!


	3. FallingSnow and Bluestar

Klever Kat was laying down with 9 little cats around her. "Hey! Mistykit, no!" She meowed to a small silver she-cat. "We do not do that to prey! Well if you have a problem, then let me skin it, you are not strong enough."Then she mumbled to herself, "Oh Starclan, why can't I have 9 quiet kits? Not just 8 quiets and 1 lively."She looked at t the other 8 kits. First at Robinkit, then Blackkit, Dawnkit, Amberkit, , then Creamkit, Oakkit, Purekit, and Redkit, all sleeping soundly. She felt sad she had to leave them, to be a therapist, to make cats with issues feel better, she creeped away and then jumped in front of a big audience."Hey, everybody, sorry for the delay. But I have many cats to introduce to you today. First, our freaks are……. Scourge and Bluestar, but they will be staying backstage until I call them out." Just then, there were two screams backstage from the freaks……"The other fabulous cat I will introduce is……………… FallingSnow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!There was pure KleverKat took out a knife and gun and unsheathed her claws and the room was filled with applause.A slender black she cat with green eyes entered the stage, when KleverKat took out the knife, there was silence. "Hello, Fallingsnow, you will be paired with Bluestar, and she will spill all her feelings to you, until then, say some things about yourself."Thank you, KleverKat, it's an honor to be here." FallingSnow turned towards the audience. "Here are some things about myself: I am from RiverClan, have three kits and a mate, like cows, believe in the Loch Ness Monster and did not take my medication this morning!" She twitches. "Ok then, I will leave so FallingSnow will interview Bluestar! and then me, KleverKat doing Scourge!""I love you." FallingSnow hugs a lamp.

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FallingSnow laid on the patient couch and Bluestar sat in a chair. "Wait a minute, shouldn't I be on the couch?" said Bluestar."No, this is the Crazy Couch, for crazy people, and you're not crazy, and I'm special-er than you," FallingSnow said cheerfully. "I am crazy, that's why I'm here!" Bluestar yowled."I know you're crazy, that's why you're here." "But you just said I'm not crazy!" Bluestar started foaming at the mouth."No I didn't, you must've imagined it. That's why you're crazy." FallingSnow winked at the thought this over. She calmed down. "You're right! I am crazy! Thank you, FallingSnow, you're the best therapist ever!" "You're very kind, Bluestar," FallingSnow said. "Would you like to spill all your feelings to me now?" "No, I think I'll go get a snow-cone now." Bluestar started to leave."Wrong answer!" FallingSnow zapped her with a cattle prod. Bluestar yelped. "Good thing KleverKat had an extra," FallingSnow muttered. Raising her voice she said "That was on the 'low' setting, because I'm nice like that. Now, what is wrong with you?""Well, first of all I'm a horrible mother. I abandoned my kits so I could be the deputy, and one of them died!" Bluestar wailed."You are a horrible mother." FallingSnow agreed. "Anything else you have to say? I get paid by the hour, you know.""Yea, and, um, my deputy betrayed me and tried to kill me!" She zones out and her eyes go cross-eyed. "StarClan must really hate me! StarClan! STARCLAN!!! I HATE YOU STARCLAN!! I DECLARE WAR ON YOU!! DIE STARCLAN D-"She is cut off as FallingSnow zaps her again. "Ouch! What was that for?""That was your therapy. See how you started to get crazy there? You snapped right out of it! You're doing excellent, Bluestar, keep talking." FallingSnow whips out her cell phone and hits the speed-dial button. "Hey KleverKat? I found a great new way to treat patients! You just have to zap them a lot… Yea, we can call it electroshock therapy! Okay, bye!"

KleverKat's POV:

She slapped her cellphone down and continued to lick jam.

Back to the story:Bluestar drones on while FallingSnow files her claws. She has just started ranting about some orange cat/fire prophecy thing when FallingSnow cuts her off. "That's lovely, Bluestar. Sadly, our time here is up. You are the weakest link. Goodbye." FallingSnow pulls a cord and a trapdoor dumps Bluestar into the lake. FallingSnow sits there for a minute. Then she says "I want a snow-cone." And walks away.


	4. KleverKat and Scourge

_**KleverKat was sitting on the Crazy Couch, twitching uncontrollably, waiting for Scourge. She started crying for no apparent reason, and then hugged her tail.**_

_**FallingSnow came in. "KleverKat, get up! You're supposed to talk to Scourge and he's crying backstage because he thinks the world is going to end!"**_

_**KleverKat's face went back to normal and she jumped up and looked at the camera. **_

"_**Hello, readers of Earth and Beyond, this is a little thing, we like to call, The Clans' Best Therapists**__, and now our patient today is……………………SCOURGE!!!!! _

_*audience claps slowly*_

_A small weeping black cat came onto the stage. He thought he was supposed to sit on the couch, and when he did, KleverKat pushed him off. _

"_THAT IS MY COUCH, GOT IT, FREAK?"_

_He was too scared to reply because of KleverKat's blood-thirsty face._

_KleverKat sits on the couch and her face softens up, " So, Scourge, tell me about yourself."_

"_Well, when I was born a kitty pet with two littermates, they always teased me because of my bodyweight and shape. *weeps again*_

_KleverKat was nodding her head and meowed, " and how do you feel about that?"_

_Scourge looked confused. "I feel sad! I mean my mother was nice to me but I knew in my heart she was laughing on the inside! My father's name was Jake and he was as fat as -"_

_He was cut off when KleverKat attacked him._

"_DO NOT MAKE FUN OF FAT CATS! I WAS FAT FOR 2 MOONS WHEN I WAS PREGNANT AND MY THIGHS TOUCHED AND I COULDN'T MOVE, SO I REALLY UNDERSTOOD HOW OBESE CATS FELT! SO SHUT UP AND ENJOY BEING SKINNY!"_

_She sat back on the Crazy Couch and started listening to the confused and slightly bleeding Scourge. _

" _Well, other than that, after no one would buy me, I ran off and started Bloodclan, A CLAN THAT WILL ONCE AGAIN RULE THE FOREST AND KILL ALL! HA HA HA HA-_

_Scourge is cut off once again when KleverKat shocks him using FallingSnow's idea of electroshock therapy. She whipped out her cell-phone, dialed the number wondering why she didn't have FallingSnow on speed dial and said, " FallingSnow ! It worked! Scourge was crazy and then I zapped him into place!"_

"_KleverKat, I'm right next to you." she said amusingly. _

"_Oh, well then, Scourge, what else is wrong with you?_

" _Some cats say I'm a bad leader! I told queens to treat their kits harsh and to throw them out at 6 mons." _

"_Moons," KleverKat said, " Not mons." _

"_Great, another thing wrong with me!!!!!!!! Also, I just received a wisp. Can you beweive that?_

" _Listen, Scourge, you're life is really boring, I'm going to go spend time with my kits."_

"_BUT WHO'S GONNA LISTEN TO MY PROBLEMS??????"_

"_No one, Bye!_

_***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************_

_KleverKat padded into her den, the first things she saw were her kits, all their pelts together with scared faces. " Mommy! A big cat came in here and scratched Mistykit!" Robinkit's little voice mewed. She saw a silver lump of fur in the corner. _

"_Mistykit!" KleverKat covered her in licks while Mistykit whimpered. "Mommy," her little voice whispered, " a cat came in here and scratched me!"_

"_What was his name? What did he look like?"_

"_Well, he said, that his name, was……………………………….........Robinkit!"_

_Robinkit hopped to his mother, " Mother, we fooled you!"_

_KleverKat tried to control her anger, and meowed with clenched teeth, " You sure fooled me all right, why don't (twitch) you (twitch) go to moss and sleep while mommy does business ( twitch twitch twitch twitch) _

"_Okay!" they all said in unison._

_They went to moss, and no one knows what happened to KleverKat that night but the following day when she came back, her tail was zapped and the place she was staying was ripped apart._

_All she would give us was, " look what you kits have done to me!"_


	5. Breezepelt and Crowfeather and Everyone

After recovering from zapping herself, KleverKat sat on the Crazy Couch muttering to herself. Today was going to be a special day, for two freaks were going to be interviewed at the same wasn't much time until the show started, she had to get ready. KleverKat called FallingSnow.

"FallingSnow, come on, the show starts in 34 seconds!""34 seconds! I'm not done with my pedicure/manicure yet!" She races out from behind the curtain with shiny pink claws and takes her place on the patient chair. The camera-cat gets irritated and yells, " HEY, WE'RE LIVE IN 5 SECONDS!""Hey everyone, welcome, and today we have a special kind of episode, Family 'sode!"So come on out Breezepelt and Crowfeather!"Two black cats pad onstage, the smaller cat affection ally leaned on Crowfeather, but Crowfeather nudged him away."Wow, I've never seen a relationship like that." KleverKat whispered into FallingSnow's ear."Crowfeather rejecting his own son. Harsh," she whispered back."Why do we have to sit on the floor?" Crowfeather asked."Because I'm sitting on the chair, and KleverKat is sitting on the Crazy Couch." FallingSnow said."Well why don't you sit on the couch with KleverKat? Then one of us could sit on the chair." Breezepelt suggested. "If you want to try and make KleverKat share the couch, be my guest and try. I'm not that stupid to try myself."Breezepelt opens his mouth to ask KleverKat, but closes it and scoots away when KleverKat pulls out a gun. "I guess we are going to have to start," KleverKat's voice got louder, "So, Breezepelt, let's start with you.""Finally," Breezepelt mumbled, "Nice to be appreciated.""What did you say?" KleverKat said with a curious/scary look on her face."Well, I thought I heard him say it was nice to be appreciated." FallingSnow said."Oh, well Breezepelt, do you feel that you are appreciated by your father? Do you feel that he likes other cats better than you?""Finally! Someone who understands!" Breezepelt started crying and talking at the same time, "Everything I do, how fast I run, how many rabbits I catch, it's just not good enough! And sometimes I feel like he doesn't like me and thinks I'm irritating" -cries and twitches-"That is not true," Crowfeather started, "I have never said that out loud!""That's the problem, you never say anything to Breezepelt, and that makes him feel unwanted, because he thinks you just had him to prove your loyalty." FallingSnow said."Yeah, daddy! Start being nice or I'll tell Onestar! And Grandpa Tornear! HA HA HA HA HA HA-"Breezepelt is cut off when he is zapped. When he unsheathes his claw and walks toward the therapists, he is plunged into the lake.

"I guess that leaves you," KleverKat starts, " Crowfeather, right?"

Crowfeather nods slowly.

"Um, KleverKat," FallingSnow said, " I don't think he is going to spill his feelings when the camera is looking right at him."

"Oh," Says KleverKat, " Well then, I guess we're going to have to……. You know, well, I'll just do it."

She heads over to the camera, takes her hammer, and smashes it.

WAIT WHILE THE CAMERA IS FIXED

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WAIT WHILE THE CAMERA IS FIXED

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WAIT WHILE THE CAMERA IS FIXED

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When the camera is fixed, Crowfeather is crying and the therapists have tears in their eyes.

"Wow, Crowfeather, " KleverKat says grabbing a tissue, " All this time I thought you were just a grumpy cat with a black pelt," KleverKat starts cleaning the blood of her knife with the tissue, " But you're just a sick cat with a black pelt."

"SERIOUSLY, MAN . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 3 CATS? 3? SINCE FEATHERTAIL DIED, I GUESS THAT'S OKAY BUT 3? SIKKO!!!!!!!!!!" A random cat from the audience said.

"Mother!!!!! You're supposed to support me!!!" Crowfeather whined.

"Whatever!" Ashfoot got up, dug a hole, and said, " To Azkaban, magical spoon!" and then dove in the hole.

The camera turns to FallingSnow and KleverKat.

KleverKat is playing with her weapons and twitching, and FallingSnow is doing her claws.

KleverKat whispers, "I have an idea" to FallingSnow and then runs away, snickering weirdly.

She comes back with 7 kits with her, a few looking vicious and crazy.

2 kits were coming slowly, one with a scared look on her face.

"What happens if they find the body?" Mistykit whispers to Purekit.

"They won't, Purekit says, " I made sure of that," and they catch up with the rest of the group grinning.

KleverKat looks at the camera and says, " Since this is kind of a family episode, I thought you guys might want to have a first glimpse of my kits- so say hello to my kits, Robinkit, Blackkit, Dawnkit, Amberkit, Creamkit, Oakkit, Purekit, and Mistykit and Redkit!"

They all jumped one at a time when their mother said their name.

All nine kits pushed Crowfeather off the stage, and magically zapped a couch in and sat on it.

Robinkit had a gun, Blackit had a sword, Dawnkit had a carrot, Amberkit fainted, Creamkit was licking his eyeball, Oakkit was playing with his whip, Mistykit was twitching, and Purekit was licking the blood of her little white paws.

"Um, where's Redkit?"

"I TOOK HIM!" A mysterious dark voice said………………………………..............................


	6. Family

Last time, we left off when someone took Redkit? Who was it? You'll find out today!

* * *

"I TOOK HIM!"

KleverKat wasn't afraid, so she said,"OH YEAH? SAY THAT TO MY FACE FOXDUNG!" She took out 6 of her most favorite weapons, and gave 3 to FallingSnow.

"Die evil cat die!" FallingSnow yowled. She started shooting a laser gun in random directions.

A large cat came out from the shadow carrying Redkit from his scruff, he put him down and Redkit ran to his mother. "I took him because he tried to kill me, along with some other two kits. The others ran away, but I managed to get this one."

"Purekit! I told you they would find the bodies!" Mistykit fretted whisperingly into Purekit's ear.

"That's impossible! I gave him Foxglove and Deatherberries, and I asked Tigerstar if he could bury the body for me!" Purekit said confusingly to herself.

"YOU DID WHAT!" KleverKat yowled, scooping all nine of her kits into two paws, and she managed to stand upright.

"If your father was here right now, I don't know what he'd do!" KleverKat scolded.

"KleverKat?" A mysterious and affectionate voice said from the door.

"KeenKat! Is it you? I thought you were dead!" KleverKat said, running to her mate.

"No, I survived! But, I held a restraining order against your mother." KeenKat blinked.

"FallingSnow?" another mysterious voice said.

"Ahhh! They've come for me!" She hyperventilates.

"No, it's just me, Rowanstrike, and your kits." A large red tabby tom and three kits walk in.

"Oh, okay. Hi everyone!" She hugs Ashkit, Flamingkit, and Rosekit.

"Are you my father?" all KleverKat's kits said in unison.

"I guess I am!" Keenkat cried and all kits plopped on top of him.

KleverKat looked at the camera, and said,"This has been the real family episode. Thank you for reading!"

The camera shows FallingSnow/Darkleaf and Rowanstrike and Flamingkit, Rosekit and Ashkit hugging each other, and KleverKat and KeenKat and their 9 kits licking and crying.

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*Tear drops from KleverKat's eyes*

That was sad. Okay, I know this wasn't really a Therapist session, but in your review, say who you want to be the next freak! Happy Reading!

~KleverKat

Same goes for me! Hope you enjoyed. And a big thanks to KleverKat for letting me be her co-therapist, you're great.

~FallingSnow

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